and now, for a word from our sponsor
Tragus piercing stretched from 16g-12g - $35
More Korean food than GOD - $5.49
Filing my taxes before January is even over - $72
Dinner and drinks with my hot soon-to-be roommates - $16
2nd outing with stone cold fox (tm) to listen to a little chanting - Free
House-sitting for giant poodle and small feline poof - Free
Rewarding part in bizarrely wonderful show - Blood, sweat, and tears
2nd Saturday night in a row karaoke-ing with people I love - $15 for beer
Feeling like maybe my luck is starting to change - priceless.
just look over your shoulder
-Walter R. Brooks,
The Collected Poems of Freddy the Pig
One of the beautiful things about having a mental state like mine over the past couple of months is that in order to make up for the canyons, the mountains are pretty fucking huge.
Went karaoke-ing with Erin, Rayray, Sparky, Carina, Shawna, Jaegermeister, and Oh last night. Holy mother of Dude, did we rock ass. Oh busted out the Frank Sinatra and dropped jaws across the whole bar. Sparky did “Rapture” - yes, the Blondie song - and I have never loved him more in my life. Jaeger sang “Killing Me Softly”, and when the background music was wrong, she just continued a capella, like something out of a movie. Erin and I did both “What’s up” and “Livin’ on the Edge”, since Aerosmith is my karaoke fave. There were re-enactments of song lyrics, there were random Cher dance breaks, all in all it was an amazing evening, which ended with all the people I love from all the different parts of my life getting along.
For those of you who have been following the boydrama, here’s an update. He was totally oblivious, and had no idea that she was actually a piranha in a miniskirt. He got to her place, they played Boggle, and when she unveiled her evil master plan for him, he said “Um, you’re a freak.” and went home.
Heh. Heh. Boggle.
In other news, the word of the day is synchronicity. Through working on my show, we talk a lot about “coincidence”, and have all been discovering it in our lives. Here’s a little snippet…
I have been keeping a personal journal of coincidence for thirty years. After a very fruitful year or two, the question arises forcefully in the seeking mind … was I simply more aware of coincidences by keeping this journal - or was I … making them … happen?
In any case, [a] convincing [example] from the collection:
Alphonso Bedoya was crossing Prince’s Canal in Amsterdam. He was struck and killed by a green taxi carrying a passenger named Ravensburg. His brother, Armando Bedoya, was also struck and killed, in Amsterdam, while crossing Prince’s Canal, by a green taxi - carrying a passenger named Ravensburg - ten years later. FACT.
-Mrs. Lammle, Dark Ride, Len Jenkin
Some examples recently from my own life. I am out at the Laptop Battle with Oh and Erin and Timmy and Willow and Sam on Friday night. Oh finally gets the chance to look at my tattoo, and asks what it means. “It’s ancient Greek,” I say. “It means ‘Beauty is Terror’.” His jaw drops, and he says “I have been reading The Secret History every waking minute for the past three days. I can’t put it down!” This book is, without a doubt, the most influencial of my life, and is in fact where the quote came from. FACT.
A second example - it’s Saturday night, and I am supposed to pick up Sparky and then Oh on our way to karaoke. I am running late, because all of my fun going-out-clothes are in the drier and are JUST NOT GETTING DRY. I am late getting to Sparky’s, but he doesn’t mind. We take off, and my phone rings. He answers, saying “Hello, Freesia’s phone?” It’s Oh, telling us he is also running late. We arrive at his house, and he opens the door shirtless. He says “I’m really sorry, you guys, but all of my clothes are in the drier and none of them are dry yet.” FACT.
My mother’s favorite catch phrase is “There are no coincidences.” FACT.
It’s good to be back on the mountain. We’ll see how long it lasts.
tangled up in your embrace
If we keep communicating like this - so we understand each other - it’ll only lead to little ripples in our context, this world of common words and pictures that allows us to communicate in the first place. Like me and my TV - it never does much more than give a little shuffle to the cards I’ve already got. It’s pleasant, but now I’m turning it off. I need a new deck.
-Margo, “Dark Ride”, Len Jenkin
Pratt says I need to get into a fistfight. She says I have a physical presence that’s more palpable than I realize, and I need to know that I can kick someone’s ass.
Nenie says I should have verbally ripped this girl to shreds in the bathroom.
Mama R. says he can handle it, and I should just ask him.
Sjet says he’s a loser and I shouldn’t sweat it.
Townie says I let people walk all over me, and I talk too much.
Erin says the answer to all of this is drinking and karaoke.
I don’t quite know who or what to believe. I do know, however, that I have some New-Year’s-Resolutions-Amendments to make. I need more than a ripple, I need my context to undergo a fucking tsunami. And in order to survive without drowning, maybe I need to become a piranha myself.
‘til i turn out the light, turn out the light
I fucking hate everybody and everything in the world today. You may have read Sjet’s diatribe on S.A.D., and all of that is also correct. As a companion piece, let me tell you a little story about the last few weeks in my life. Here is a list of things I hate.
1) I fucking hate getting conflicting information
2) I fucking hate it when people really act like they care or are interested and then back off in weird or confusing ways
3) I fucking hate piranha women who won’t leave the person you’re out with alone
4) I fucking hate PEOPLE STEALING MY JACKETS! Once was bad enough, and now twice is starting to feel like I’m being sent a message.
5) I fucking hate not wanting to leave my house
6) I fucking hate not being able to sleep because I am so angry and disappointed that I want to either cry or claw my eyes out and can’t seem to manage either
7) I fucking hate days when smiling hurts, and I know I’m being fake and awful to the people I care about
8) I fucking hate finally dragging myself out to do something and having it end so badly that I don’t feel like leaving my house for another several weeks
9) I fucking hate being at my house at times like this because really, I can’t stand being there but everywhere else just seems like a worse option
10) I fucking hate knowing full well that someone has read a really hard, important email that I sent them and having them NOT FUCKING RESPOND
11) I fucking hate feeling emotionally unbalanced
12) I fucking hate being antisocial and letting people down
13) I fucking hate having things almost go so well that life doesn’t seem quite real and then at the last minute taking a complete nosedive
14) I fucking hate all of this, and all of you, and me, and pretty much everything about my life, even though I really don’t
Dear My Life,
Please stop sucking so hard. Please stop setting me up, time after time, for a big fall. Please stop almost being wonderful. Please, please, please, just leave me alone. I have just completely lost my shit in an online coffeehouse, for crying out loud, and I can’t handle being disappointed anymore. Another couple of times like this, and I am afraid I will no longer be willing to feel anything at all.
Best regards,
-freesia
fuzzy orange silver lining
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to formally introduce you to Bailey, the new love of my life. I went and got him on Sunday, and he has been nursing me back to health (read: kneading the living crap out of me) all week long.
I didn’t realize what a big deal this was going to be. As I was cleaning up to get ready for him to come home, I found Piper’s fur everywhere. As I was wandering PetsMart and picking out his new things, I was struck by the last time I wandered those aisles comparing pet carriers. As I was getting my hair cut earlier that afternoon, I remembered that the last time I’d gotten my hair cut I’d come home and let Piper out for the last time. Everything I did reminded me of her, and there were several times where I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t want to bring another animal into my life if I was just going to lose it like the last one. Of course, once I got there and was handed this giant purring massage machine, I couldn’t say no. On the way out, the woman who runs this place said “You won’t have room in your bed for a boyfriend with a cat like that!” Hah. Well, thank god I’ve got my priorities straight.
In other news, I haven’t seen DJ in four weeks, and I’ve only spoken to him (non-electronically) once in that entire time. He thinks this level of communication is acceptable, and I’m finding that I do not. I’ve been asked out by another friend of a friend for this weekend, and I said yes. I don’t know what I think anymore - all I know is that boys (human boys, that is) are baffling and apparently I wasn’t meant to understand them. Is it really wrong to like having someone pay attention to you? To feel let down when they won’t make an effort? Maybe I’m just being old-fashioned … which is something I never thought I’d hear myself say. Maybe I’m not the liberated 21st Century woman I like to think I am. (Maybe I’m more human than I let on.)
why i got out of bed at all
Ha! Ha Freaking Ha! Someone should have told Bob about the Lose-Ten-Pounds-In-Four-Days-By-Being-Sick-Off-Your-Ass-Diet. Happy New Year, y’all.
One of my bosses called today requesting a letter from my doctor verifying that I have, in fact, been sick all week. Sigh. Later, I got a call from a coworker who said that the other boss told her I was “really, really sick”… so who knows. I’m going back to work tomorrow, whether I should be there or not, and we’ll just see what happens. Wish me luck!
I miss Pwe. With the exception of Bill, I’ve lived with her for longer than anyone else, and I got really used to having her presence in the house. I haven’t seen her since she took me to the airport on the 19th, and it just hit me today how much the place just isn’t the same without her. Kick the shit out of that lighting design, P-Dog, and come on home!
ow, my liver
I have the Martian Death Flu(tm). I don’t know where I got it, but I’ve had it ALL WEEK. Fever of almost 103, coughing fits until you puke, total delirium, randomly blacking out, having conversations with your mother that you don’t later remember, whatever. It sucks ASS. Did you all get your flu shots, children? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
In other news, I am going to an open house on Sunday - if I am capable of leaving the house by then, for the love of god - to meet this guy. I had to fill out an application with references and everything. Who knew?
And now, just to add some supernatural beauty to your day, here are some ghosty pictures for you to look at.
* Attic Ghost
* Basement Ghost
* Bedroom Ghost
* Kitchen Ghost
Don’t you feel spookier already?
Time passes differently when your body isn’t itself. Since last Saturday night, I’ve spent all but a few hours in bed. Days faded in and out, and I woke up on several occasions not knowing whether the dark outside indicated night or early morning. I can’t even begin to describe the dreams I’ve been having - horrible, awful, fantastic dreams that I couldn’t analyze if I tried. At this point, it’s tricky to decide what of this week has been real and what hasn’t. If I had a conversation with you - at any point this week - and don’t remember it, it’s nothing personal. I promise. I guess I’ve just been taking a break from the world.
shot down in her mistaken flight
I just watched High Fidelity on tv today, so here is an entry made up entirely of Top 5 lists… really, in no particular order.
1) I might have Bronchitis
2) Work fucked up my paycheck, so I am now $100 overdrawn. This would have been the case until the 15th, but my parents are somehow managing to help me out. Jesus.
3) Don’t know what’s up with certain someone. Feeling unsettled about it. {Editor’s note: This appears to have been resolved.}
4) Because of money situation, did NOT in fact get cat today as I had planned. (Cat I linked to is just one possibility, not necessarily THE one.)
5) After taking multiple unpaid days in order to go home, now will have to take more due to being sick. Maybe this should have been part of #1.
1) The Carleton New Year’s Party. Holy shit.
2) Quality time with Sarah and Ryan and Casie and [name removed]and Corey and Ernie and Nena and Tori and Liz, whom I had never met!
3) Hanging out with my favorite Aunt and Uncle, and while at their house telling off my mother and having her actually back down.
4) Quality time with cousins who are 18 months, 2.5 years, 3.5 years, 3 years, and 5 years old.
5) Getting to go with Liz to pick up her new puppy
1) Townie did not, in fact, make an appearance at New Year’s
2) Neither did Bill
3) Getting the beginnings of a lecture from a friend who should have known better
4) Having a new friend get a DUI - which was under no stretch of the imagination my fault - see #3
5) Not getting to see Raatjes, which was a sad state of affairs
Bonus) Having my leather jacket accidentally stolen from my church
I think that’s all for now. I’m doing that great thing where you cough so hard it almost makes you yack. I am heading to the doctor ASAP tomorrow to figure out what the hell is going on, but not before spending the evening cuddled up with my pal Kasmo. Pwe is out of town for a bit, so I get to hang out and bond with the MoMoNator. Sorry for not picking up the phone today … talking hurts. You know.
