International “Fat boys have balls” day
This is my second time today at the Online Cafe, since my email access now is officially sparse and sucky. Earlier, I was reading email and drinking ginseng tea and got a text message from Bill, which said
What is the Vera project?
to which I responded
Blah blah blah, something about music and local stuff, blah blah blah. Why do you ask?
to which Bill responded
I just walked by the old Annex space and thought you would know.
Hmm. While highly amusing from my end, our meeting at the Matrix wasn’t exactly grounds for a renewed friendship. Once I get out of Online, I call Bill, and I say
Hey. So, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out before you take off - you know, when it’s not a shock to either one of us that the other one is there.
to which Bill says
Okay. We’re downtown and we have dinner reservations at 8:45 … do you want to meet for coffee?
Now, it should be noted that I’d just spent the last half hour at a coffee place, but I still say yes. I go home, I let out the dog, I spend about fifteen minutes jockeying for parking in the Pacific Place parking garage because of freaking PROM, I find Bill and Kylie, we have coffee. I show him wedding pictures. We talk about drama involving, as someone once called her, “Fat Ankles Herself”. I call Townie to tell him the good news about a couple of UNCO weddings. I find out that he has strep throat. He sounds just like I sounded a few days ago. This means that I probably had strep throat, which I probably got from one of my students who came to SCHOOL with strep throat two weeks ago. Goddammit.
They take off for their hot Pink Door date, and I call Sjet. She is at Gameworks, just a couple of blocks away. We go back to her place, where I talk to Ryan on the phone (IN JAPAN! OH MY GOD!) for an hour while she puts away clothes. We proceed to go to prom together. She is wearing a strapless dress with an insta-corsage, I am wearing that weird dressy men’s suit jacket with the freaky Ren-Fest-y sleeves. We are feeling sexy. We drink wine with The Girl and Jaye Rhea on The Girl’s porch. We eat couscous salad. We go to the B&O and have the most orgasmic meal I’ve had in months. Then, she writes “THE BURNINATOR” on my take-out box, and “Mini Burninator” on the tiny little Creme Brulee take-out box. We look so freaking pretty we decide it should be illegal.
In fact, it might be.
postscript
Let’s say you overheard someone use the term “deceptively delicious” to describe someone or something. What do you think it means? I have a pretty good idea of what it was supposed to mean, but I think it could be taken a lot of ways. Mostly, I just like saying it. (Now you try.)
my only friend, the end
Libby gets me and we drive to Minneapolis for lunch with Joe* and Alex and Nonoko*. At the last minute, we also invite Mark*, whom I haven’t seen in probably five years.
I see Nonoko right away. Alex is with her, and Townie is there too. I don’t really get to TALK to Noko, but seeing her hot self is good. I meet Ted (her boy) for the first time. He says that he feels really guilty about the way that he treated Bill long ago when they were roommates. I reassure him by saying that at the moment, I might put gross stuff in Bill’s bed too. I say this more because I know everyone will find it funny than because I really mean it. (I know how people expect me to feel about the whole situation. Sometimes it’s easier to just pretend.)
{Snip - Libby making me blush, our food, people being sore}
We talk about Mark “fending off some poon” and the conversation degrades into something about crapping on people’s chests. I think it was supposed to be a way to scare off the invading poon - a sort of pre-emptive strike against poon-nastiness, but I don’t really remember. Then Joe tells us who all is gay now.
Finally, we pay our bill and go out to smoke. {Snip} I thank Townie one last time for being such a damn good date, and check to make sure that he found his thank-you present. I snuggle my head into Joe’s neck, the way I always used to when I was stressed out or needing some love. Mark tells me that Seattle must be agreeing with me, because I look great. One by one, everyone has gone. I am trying to remember as much about everything as I can, but I know that it’s slipping.
Libby and I have some quality time over at her friend Karl’s, where she’s staying, and then she drives me to the airport. We listen to an Italian techno song about UFO’s that used to crack me up, long ago during a caffeine-addled road trip home from school. I am still processing - my head is reeling, and I can’t stop smiling.
We’re landing. I’m home.
* Joe - one of my dearest friends from my own college. We used to call him Big Gay Joe, even though as far as I know he doesn’t have any big gay animals.
* Nonoko - my first ever UNCO roommate. Took care of me when I was the only Ole surrounded by a whole houseful of Carleton theatre-types. Lives in San Fran with her hot boy, who (stupidly enough) used to be Bill’s roommate.
* Mark - yes, THAT Mark. I don’t know how to describe him. Whether or not he is a GOOD person is irrelevant to this story - he can be a really FUN person. We used to be friends.
the morning after
{Snip, snip, snip}Alex comes to Townie’s to get me, and we head to Lakeville to watch the Matrix. I am not entirely sure whether Bill will be there or not - until we show up and suddenly there he is. I go to ask Alex a question, and B sees me and freezes. He looks terrified. Later, he will get Alex alone and will smack him repeatedly, while saying “Why didn’t you TELL ME?”
The movie is good, of course. Afterwards, Bill and I are watched like hawks by everyone. Finally, he can’t stand it anymore, so he comes over to me. The other conversations go silent.
Bill: Um, hi.
Freesia: Hi.
B: I didn’t know you’d be here.
F: I know. You looked like you’d seen a ghost.
[Bill’s college roomate #1 snickers.]
B: Hey, I see that you got your [points to tongue piercing]. It looks good.
F: WAIT A MINUTE. You wouldn’t let me get one of these for four years, because you said they grossed you out, and now you’re telling me it looks good?
[Bill’s roommates #1 and #2 snicker.]
B: Um, yeah. You look really good.
F: Thanks.
And that’s pretty much it. Alex drives me to EW’s place, where I instantly fall asleep on the couch while they watch a movie.
Mark it
We get up early and go to the Mall of America for hair and makeup appointments. We drink Orange Juliuses and eat Krispy Kremes, and by the time we leave Jenn is in her veil and Carrie and I are wearing Krispy Kreme hats.
(Watching Jenn get her hair done is really hard.)
Back at Jenn’s, we take pictures of Porno Bride, which is what we call her once all of her fancy wedding dress underthings are on. I also snap a picture of pregnant Carrie trying to put on thigh-highs.
At the church, we primp and steam and curl and make up. I do Carrie’s hair in a flip, and Libby and I end up with almost exactly the same hairdo. I get to curl the oldest flower girl’s tendrils when they come loose. We’re goofing around and suddenly it’s time.
Libby’s phone rings. Ryan disappears. We are told NOT TO BLINK when the photographer snaps our picture. Then we hear the music and we’re off.
Dan and I talk about how pretty we are. Libby and Ryan poke each other. As the photographer snaps the picture, I blink. {Snip}
Ten minues in, my feet are killing me. Some cues (Libby: “Is it me? Is it my turn?”) are missed, but all in all it’s beautiful. Over Jenn and Carrie’s heads, I have a straight shot of Jim’s face the entire time. It’s easily the best seat in the house.
As we walk out, I burst into “Foxy!” under my breath and make Dan laugh. I change out of my painful shoes and soon I feel an arm go around my shoulders. It’s Townie - the button-down he’s wearing matches the bridesmaids dresses. Ernie and Ernie’s Woman aren’t far behind. We throw rose petals as Jenn and Jim come by, and it’s gorgeous. Just right.
{Snip - pictures in the park, arriving at the reception}
At our table, Townie points out that his place card says “Guest of Freesia”. He says “I could have been ANYONE!” We decide that the card SHOULD have said “Freesia’s bitch”, so I dig out my label-maker and fix it. Ernie “the serial monogamist” is next. {Snip} Someone at the table lights our bowl of rolls on fire. We make metaphors comparing men and women to bread. I keep spilling my food, and I can’t seem to figure out why.
We eat and dance, and finally Townie, Ernie, Ernie’s Woman (henceforth known as EW), and I venture out to a bar for a drink. E and EW make out. A lot. T and I pretend to watch the baseball game. At one point, T asks what I’m doing later, and I respond that E and EW are taking me back to Northfield. He offers to drive me down, since it’s the only time we’ll get to spend together. {Snip} We return to the find the party gone and the grand exit missed. Oops.
On the way to T’s so he can change, we get really lost. We end up sitting around, listening to music and talking. Ernie calls to check in on me at one point, but by then it’s already late and I’m not going anywhere. I finally get to dance with my wedding date. {Snip} By the time we go to sleep, the sun is up.
calm before the storm
I wake up to discover that Jenn has been up for hours. She runs on appointments all morning while I eat leftover pizza and watch X-Men. I find pictures of Jim* and Jenn during that fateful spring break at my house. There is even one of Jim teaching Brandon how to be gay. He’s striking this uber-femmy pose and tiny Brandon is imitating him - beaming up at him and laughing. There’s another one of Jim, Jenn, Cracker, Krist and I in a doggy pile on the old student center grates.
Once Libby shows up, the bridesmaid brigade goes to Target so I can get J&J a present. On the way to housewares, I get distracted by picnic basket things and decide that I’m going to get them a full-on picnic set instead. I am feeling SO SMART.
We get to the church late, but not as late as my aisle-date (Dan). When the vows are read, all of the bridesmaids lose our shit. Seriously. As Dan and I process down the aisle, we sing “Foxy!” to each other. We decide that we are the hottest couple in the whole church, and that if only he weren’t gay, we would have to marry each other.
The rehearsal dinner is hilarious. Libby and her aisle-date Ryan perform for us all evening. Jim makes a very emotional speech. The girls all get matching jewelry, which just happens to be my birthstone. Dan and I have some quality bonding time outside while smoking - and talk about far more serious things than we ever did while we were still in college together. I didn’t have any idea how much I’d missed him.
That night at Jenn’s is wonderful. We put Noxzema on our faces and give each other backrubs. When it’s finally time to sleep, I keep her up for an extra few minutes just whispering back and forth like we did when we were roommates. I realize, as she finally falls asleep, that this is the last time that will ever happen.
* Jim - Jenn’s boy.
* spring break - Jim and Jenn and our friend Catie road-tripped down to my parents’ house. My mother predicted that Jim and Jenn would get together, before any of US had any idea.
and so it begins
{Still the 21st - Ida comes over late to bring me a bag of toys from the fat boys. They all have their own special purpose - small stuffed cow, lip gloss, label-maker, Rescue Remedy, Cookies. My girls have exactly anticipated my emotional state and have come to my aid.} I haven’t slept all night. I am up late packing, and when I finally get to bed I’m too jazzed to sleep. My nails are wet and my throat hurts and I am so nervous. I manage to sleep for maybe half an hour, and I wake up before my alarm goes off. It is 3:00 in the morning.
At 3:45, Shuttle Express arrives and I lug my matching luggage to the van. There is a woman there with a mewling cat, and she talks to me about Alaska and Molly’s Bear-Mauling book.
2 Flights. I want to kill middle-aged toe-tapping bourgeois guy, but otherwise everything is mostly okay. Now my ears hurt too.
When we land in Minneapolis, I am shocked at how green everything is, despite the fact that it is gray and raining. I go out to the drive, thinking Alex* won’t have parked - but he waits for me inside. Finally, we play the “Who can find who sooner?” game on our cell phones - he has a scruffy beard and is wearing a flannel, jeans, flip flops, and a farmer hat. I feel like nothing has changed in the last three years. It’s just like when Sukha visited Seattle - I remember how hugging Alex feels. It’s just the same.
We chain smoke all the way to Northfield, and after a tour of the city (Toxic Hell, the Malt-O-Meal Plant, my good old Alma Mater) we park in front of Sayles*. I have no idea where I’m going or who I’m seeing or where on earth I’m leaving my luggage, and Alex has to leave and go back to the cities, so I’m a little worried - but this weekend will be all about playing things by ear, so I decide not to sweat it. We leave my things in Alex’s car and go inside to find Joel*.
As soon as we get to Great Space, I see him through the door of the bookstore. He’s dressed like a grown-up, and is patiently helping someone find a book. When she turns away from him, I say “Excuse me, I’m looking for a book?” I feel a twinge of … something - maybe it’s not nice to just show up like this - but Alex has assured me that everyone’s life could use more surprises. Joel turns, and for a brief moment he doesn’t recognize me - either that, or it just takes his face a moment to catch up to his brain. His eyes get REALLY big, and his jaw drops. He flounders for words, and finally says “I don’t have anything to sell you.” I have never been able to scare Joele, so this is definitely a first. He reaches out for me, and for a moment I remember why it was that I fell for him so long ago. As a dancer, his body - even when doing something as simple as giving a hug - is so expressive that you can get a much clearer idea of what he’s thinking than you can with most people, if you’re receptive to it.
Once he regains his capacity for speech, we all go upstairs to the smoking lounge. As I sit, Joel flops back in his chair and puts his legs in my lap … and I am 18 again. Our good moments - and there are a lot of them - come flooding back. {Snip} Deep down, he is still the same boy who had (as Justin* put it) such “complicated feelings” for me so long ago.
Before long, it’s time for Joel to go back to work. I call the Campus Directory to get Max’s* number, since I still have a couple of hours before his show. While I’m leaving a message, Shaughn answers. He says to come on over, and so Alex takes me to the new student townhouses. I like to call them “Barbie Goes to College” - they are pastel and nearly identical. Shaughn and Rose are there, and soon Max and Josh and Joel follow. Joel and I realize that I’ve had his junk in my sock drawer for six years. This makes us feel older than dirt.
After a healthy amount of trash-talking and smoking, the boys start to realize that it’s time for their senior banquet. Not wanting to look uncool, they all bitch about not wanting to dress up. And sure enough, one by one they sneak inside and come back out wearing dress clothes and sheepish expressions, hoping no one will notice.
“Shut up.”
Finally, everyone is on their way, including Joel. Once again, I am left a little at sea, not sure what to do with myself once they return. Then Travis, whom I’ve just met, says “Can I buy the lady some dinner?” and off we go to Hogan Brothers, driven by Joel in Trinity, his new speed demon car. Even after all this time, I am not scared. {Anyone who has witnessed Nate Emmons’ driving skills should appreciate the fact that in comparison, Nate drives like a Grandma. I’m not kidding.}
During dinner, Travis tells me that I am a legend. Talks about Townie’s visits to campus. Aggie. Dixon house. Ginny*.
Her name is barely out of his mouth when I look up and there she is. I squeal and we go running for each other like little kids. On the way out, I see Doten* and Jess and Jess’s man too. People I didn’t even know were in town are showing up everywhere.
We stop at Monday’s* on the way home - it’s NON-SMOKING in there now. (I am crushed. What is the world coming to when you can’t smoke in Monday’s, for fuck’s sake?) As we walk in, I see Dave Peterson sitting alone reading a paper. I want to talk to him, but for some reason I don’t. Maybe I’m afraid that he won’t remember me? He sees me as we walk out, and from the corner of my eye I notice him sitting up and taking notice - but by then it would have been weird to stop, so I don’t.
Back at Dixon, we look for Erica*, whose boy tells us she’s at the SCIC. As we walk toward the office, Travis says “Hey, Erica! Look what I brought you!” There is more screaming.
Once we reach Nourse, I see Wizard and Walter chatting with someone else outside. Travis and I start to get out a cigarette, and he says “Is that … oh, it is. Hey, Townie*.” I turn around and barely recognize the person behind me… until he smiles. He has lost a ton of weight, and he looks fucking fantastic. I am in bizarro-land, and find myself stupidly glad to see him.
Townie and I sit directly front and center in Nourse, and are joined by Ginny. {Snip} All in all, Max is great. This is no surprise.
Ginny is supposed to drive me to St. Paul so I can have a bridesmaid sleepover at Jenn’s. I try to go to her, but Townie insists that I come with the boys to the Rueb*. Finally, I give in and head out with them to Dixon House. There, of course, we stall for an extended smoke break. {Snip} I get a phone call, and while I’m talking the gang begins to leave. When I don’t immediately follow, Townie comes back into the house and lifts me bodily up into the air and carries me down the street. I try to go back for my purse - and Wizard has already found it.
{Snip, snip, snippety snip}On my way back from the bar, I call Ida and tell her that I am feeling like royalty. I tell her that it feels like I’ve come home. I tell her that I feel like I can face Bill - in front of his friends - without fear.
On the way to the cities, Ginny and I catch up. I get the full scoop on the last couple of years with her and Chris, and I finally tell her the complete story about what happened with me and Bill. {Snip}
We arrive at Jenn’s*, and it’s just as I’d imagined. Full of quirky things only Jenn would put together - and she hasn’t changed at all. (At the rehearsal dinner, she will tell me that the sound of my laugh made her happier than she’d been in a long time. When she runs out that front door and into my arms, I feel just the same way.) After 3 years, we are chatting away within minutes, and I remember why she was always “the only woman I could ever marry”. I finally get to meet Carrie, her best friend from high school. After awhile, we finally go to sleep. It’s been a very long day.
* Alex - roommate of Bill’s from Carleton. I have always loved Alex, and he always used to tell me that if Bill and I ever broke up, I should date him instead. He will remind me of this later when he discovers that he wasn’t the first one I came to.
* Sayles Hill - the Carleton College Student Center
* Joel - I have called Joel a great many things in my time. He was a dancer slash street fighter slash fairy princess slash fire-breathing-dragon. More than anything, Joele is SO STUPID. I tell him this all the time.
* Justin - aka Cakeboy. Long-time confidante and sidekick of Joel. My emotional stabilizer for much of my sophomore year of college.
* Max - star of my senior directing project, now doing his senior acting project. Ostensibly the reason I’m in town for the evening.
* Ginny - ex-girlfriend of Bill’s. Took directing with me at MY school. Reminds me a lot of Julia.
*Doten - Ginny’s boy. Friend of Bill’s. Sweet quiet guy who drives a tiny red convertible.
* Monday’s - Goodbye Blue Monday, the most long-lasting of the Northfield coffee shops. The whole point of going there used to be so that you could smoke somewhere warm when it was 90 below outside.
* Erica - friend of mine from high school, who then went to college across town from me. Sometimes people call her “Mama”, and she hates it. Seriously, don’t try it - unless you are Sjet and you want a black eye.
* Townie - aka Andrew, aka Townie Town. My wedding date. The guy who supposedly rescued me once when I had heat stroke, and who definitely rescued me from many stupid situations in the last five years.
* The Rueb - aka The Reub’n’stein, which for a long time was Northfield’s only bar. We were actually the answer to the Trivial Pursuit question “Which American City has two colleges and only one bar?”
* Jenn - my ex-roomate, whose wedding is the whole reason that I’m in the midwest again to begin with.
In Memoriam
Aaaaaand we’re back. Here are bits and pieces of the journal I kept during what was probably the craziest weekend of my life. I’ve snipped large chunks out because they are inappropriate for public consumption (if you want to know, you’re going to have to just ask me in person.) Bolded italic text was written now. Editor’s notes. That sort of thing. Plus, anything with an asterisk* by it will be explained in the MORE… section.
I have been wandering the Minneapolis airport with a big goofy grin on my face. I had stressed out so much about seeing Bill again, and about being in Northfield again - I’d practically made myself sick over it. I don’t know what I was expecting, exactly. Uncomfortable silences? Judgemental looks? I think I’d managed to convince myself that being at Carleton still constituted being on his turf … and that was definitely not the case. I have never felt like such a celebrity in my life. It was sweet.
feeling like bill cosby
Kids say and do the darndest things. I realize that more and more every day that I am here. They are so much wiser than most of the grownups I know, and that’s really not an exaggeration. There are several stories that I want to tell, but for confidentiality reasons I probably shouldn’t. However, the funniest part of my entire day involved a four year old girl hacking off a huge chunk of her long, curly hair with a pair of safety scissors. Please, be thinking of me at around a quarter to six today, which is when her mother will arrive to hear the good news.
We are doing a late night actor benefit for 7 Strangers! It’s this Friday at 10:30 … be there or be square, my friends. I love this show. I’m going to miss it.
Only a few days left until the drama which will be my weekend in Minnesota. CoTeacher will ALSO be in Minneapolis that same weekend for her sister’s graduation from the U of M. It’s a small world AF-TER ALL.
Back to work. I am just LOVING this limited email access situation. Maybe I’ll be forced into not being such a geek ….
heh. Or not. Who do I think I am?
i got sunshine in a bag
A brief list of why the past few weeks have been pretty goddamn great. Ahem.
!. My job rules. Kids so amazing I can’t even explain it. Co-teacher is a doll - she wrote me a good luck note on opening night and stuck it under my windshield wipers. I am about five minutes from work via a direct-dump on I5. Parking is free and plentiful. Payrate is the same as last job. Coworkers are hella cool. I got to make a lake out of construction paper, glitter, and glue this afternoon. Pinking shears. Little girls with hilarious speech impediments. Swimming with four year olds. Baking with them. Napping with them. Having snacks with them. Occasionally, I can’t even believe I’m getting paid for this.
2. My show rules. Full houses this weekend - or nearly so. Sjet came to see it! Here are some pictures… and here’s what it’s about. And - fanfare please - here is our first review. Damn right, Amandalee. Damn right.
3. Getting cast in shows rules. I got cast in two shows yesterday - the first time in my life that I’ve had to make a choice. Going a year without a mainstage? Used to it. Getting two parts I really want at the same damn time? Not so much. I practically gave myself an ulcer last night trying to decide - there were a lot of factors on both sides that were really important to me. One show is Annex, one is not. One show had a lot of people try out, one did not. I felt like I would be pretty easily replaceable for one show, for the other one I did not. For one show I would be working with old friends, for the other show I would be working with new friends. One has a script I loved, the other one’s script is a bit more … malleable. Etc., Etc., Etc. I went back and forth about it ALL NIGHT LONG, and finally decided that I just had to pick the project that excited me more. It was not a fun process. It never rains but it pours… and now, I can stop stressing about the decision and get busy being excited about working on this show. I can’t wait.
4. Dancing until 3 in the morning with cute boys rules. ‘Nuff said.
5. Staying up until five in the morning snuggling and talking with Ida and Evan rules. So does spooning.
7. Going home for dinner also rules. Good night.
drive-by fruiting
I love my fat boys. Last night, my show opened. It went so amazingly well, and afterwards we all hung out at the house awhile to have a beer and relax. At about eleven, I am sitting on the porch having a cigarette. I hear a car pull up, and I see the people I am talking to peer out at the street. Next, I hear frantic footsteps running up the stairs, and then I see a blur that looks something like a human … and then the blur chucks flowers in my face.
I am so confused.
I turn around to look at the street … and Sjet is running back towards Molly’s car. I say “Hey, come back here, you!” and she says “We can’t! It’s May Day!” I say “I love my fat boys!” and she jumps into the car, which screeches off into the night.
I look at my flowers … they have a little card attached which says “Happy May Day” in Sjet’s typewriter’s special uneven font. The other cast members and friends who are still there agree that my friends are the best ones. I agree.