and so it begins
{Still the 21st - Ida comes over late to bring me a bag of toys from the fat boys. They all have their own special purpose - small stuffed cow, lip gloss, label-maker, Rescue Remedy, Cookies. My girls have exactly anticipated my emotional state and have come to my aid.} I haven’t slept all night. I am up late packing, and when I finally get to bed I’m too jazzed to sleep. My nails are wet and my throat hurts and I am so nervous. I manage to sleep for maybe half an hour, and I wake up before my alarm goes off. It is 3:00 in the morning.
At 3:45, Shuttle Express arrives and I lug my matching luggage to the van. There is a woman there with a mewling cat, and she talks to me about Alaska and Molly’s Bear-Mauling book.
2 Flights. I want to kill middle-aged toe-tapping bourgeois guy, but otherwise everything is mostly okay. Now my ears hurt too.
When we land in Minneapolis, I am shocked at how green everything is, despite the fact that it is gray and raining. I go out to the drive, thinking Alex* won’t have parked - but he waits for me inside. Finally, we play the “Who can find who sooner?” game on our cell phones - he has a scruffy beard and is wearing a flannel, jeans, flip flops, and a farmer hat. I feel like nothing has changed in the last three years. It’s just like when Sukha visited Seattle - I remember how hugging Alex feels. It’s just the same.
We chain smoke all the way to Northfield, and after a tour of the city (Toxic Hell, the Malt-O-Meal Plant, my good old Alma Mater) we park in front of Sayles*. I have no idea where I’m going or who I’m seeing or where on earth I’m leaving my luggage, and Alex has to leave and go back to the cities, so I’m a little worried - but this weekend will be all about playing things by ear, so I decide not to sweat it. We leave my things in Alex’s car and go inside to find Joel*.
As soon as we get to Great Space, I see him through the door of the bookstore. He’s dressed like a grown-up, and is patiently helping someone find a book. When she turns away from him, I say “Excuse me, I’m looking for a book?” I feel a twinge of … something - maybe it’s not nice to just show up like this - but Alex has assured me that everyone’s life could use more surprises. Joel turns, and for a brief moment he doesn’t recognize me - either that, or it just takes his face a moment to catch up to his brain. His eyes get REALLY big, and his jaw drops. He flounders for words, and finally says “I don’t have anything to sell you.” I have never been able to scare Joele, so this is definitely a first. He reaches out for me, and for a moment I remember why it was that I fell for him so long ago. As a dancer, his body - even when doing something as simple as giving a hug - is so expressive that you can get a much clearer idea of what he’s thinking than you can with most people, if you’re receptive to it.
Once he regains his capacity for speech, we all go upstairs to the smoking lounge. As I sit, Joel flops back in his chair and puts his legs in my lap … and I am 18 again. Our good moments - and there are a lot of them - come flooding back. {Snip} Deep down, he is still the same boy who had (as Justin* put it) such “complicated feelings” for me so long ago.
Before long, it’s time for Joel to go back to work. I call the Campus Directory to get Max’s* number, since I still have a couple of hours before his show. While I’m leaving a message, Shaughn answers. He says to come on over, and so Alex takes me to the new student townhouses. I like to call them “Barbie Goes to College” - they are pastel and nearly identical. Shaughn and Rose are there, and soon Max and Josh and Joel follow. Joel and I realize that I’ve had his junk in my sock drawer for six years. This makes us feel older than dirt.
After a healthy amount of trash-talking and smoking, the boys start to realize that it’s time for their senior banquet. Not wanting to look uncool, they all bitch about not wanting to dress up. And sure enough, one by one they sneak inside and come back out wearing dress clothes and sheepish expressions, hoping no one will notice.
“Shut up.”
Finally, everyone is on their way, including Joel. Once again, I am left a little at sea, not sure what to do with myself once they return. Then Travis, whom I’ve just met, says “Can I buy the lady some dinner?” and off we go to Hogan Brothers, driven by Joel in Trinity, his new speed demon car. Even after all this time, I am not scared. {Anyone who has witnessed Nate Emmons’ driving skills should appreciate the fact that in comparison, Nate drives like a Grandma. I’m not kidding.}
During dinner, Travis tells me that I am a legend. Talks about Townie’s visits to campus. Aggie. Dixon house. Ginny*.
Her name is barely out of his mouth when I look up and there she is. I squeal and we go running for each other like little kids. On the way out, I see Doten* and Jess and Jess’s man too. People I didn’t even know were in town are showing up everywhere.
We stop at Monday’s* on the way home - it’s NON-SMOKING in there now. (I am crushed. What is the world coming to when you can’t smoke in Monday’s, for fuck’s sake?) As we walk in, I see Dave Peterson sitting alone reading a paper. I want to talk to him, but for some reason I don’t. Maybe I’m afraid that he won’t remember me? He sees me as we walk out, and from the corner of my eye I notice him sitting up and taking notice - but by then it would have been weird to stop, so I don’t.
Back at Dixon, we look for Erica*, whose boy tells us she’s at the SCIC. As we walk toward the office, Travis says “Hey, Erica! Look what I brought you!” There is more screaming.
Once we reach Nourse, I see Wizard and Walter chatting with someone else outside. Travis and I start to get out a cigarette, and he says “Is that … oh, it is. Hey, Townie*.” I turn around and barely recognize the person behind me… until he smiles. He has lost a ton of weight, and he looks fucking fantastic. I am in bizarro-land, and find myself stupidly glad to see him.
Townie and I sit directly front and center in Nourse, and are joined by Ginny. {Snip} All in all, Max is great. This is no surprise.
Ginny is supposed to drive me to St. Paul so I can have a bridesmaid sleepover at Jenn’s. I try to go to her, but Townie insists that I come with the boys to the Rueb*. Finally, I give in and head out with them to Dixon House. There, of course, we stall for an extended smoke break. {Snip} I get a phone call, and while I’m talking the gang begins to leave. When I don’t immediately follow, Townie comes back into the house and lifts me bodily up into the air and carries me down the street. I try to go back for my purse - and Wizard has already found it.
{Snip, snip, snippety snip}On my way back from the bar, I call Ida and tell her that I am feeling like royalty. I tell her that it feels like I’ve come home. I tell her that I feel like I can face Bill - in front of his friends - without fear.
On the way to the cities, Ginny and I catch up. I get the full scoop on the last couple of years with her and Chris, and I finally tell her the complete story about what happened with me and Bill. {Snip}
We arrive at Jenn’s*, and it’s just as I’d imagined. Full of quirky things only Jenn would put together - and she hasn’t changed at all. (At the rehearsal dinner, she will tell me that the sound of my laugh made her happier than she’d been in a long time. When she runs out that front door and into my arms, I feel just the same way.) After 3 years, we are chatting away within minutes, and I remember why she was always “the only woman I could ever marry”. I finally get to meet Carrie, her best friend from high school. After awhile, we finally go to sleep. It’s been a very long day.
* Alex - roommate of Bill’s from Carleton. I have always loved Alex, and he always used to tell me that if Bill and I ever broke up, I should date him instead. He will remind me of this later when he discovers that he wasn’t the first one I came to.
* Sayles Hill - the Carleton College Student Center
* Joel - I have called Joel a great many things in my time. He was a dancer slash street fighter slash fairy princess slash fire-breathing-dragon. More than anything, Joele is SO STUPID. I tell him this all the time.
* Justin - aka Cakeboy. Long-time confidante and sidekick of Joel. My emotional stabilizer for much of my sophomore year of college.
* Max - star of my senior directing project, now doing his senior acting project. Ostensibly the reason I’m in town for the evening.
* Ginny - ex-girlfriend of Bill’s. Took directing with me at MY school. Reminds me a lot of Julia.
*Doten - Ginny’s boy. Friend of Bill’s. Sweet quiet guy who drives a tiny red convertible.
* Monday’s - Goodbye Blue Monday, the most long-lasting of the Northfield coffee shops. The whole point of going there used to be so that you could smoke somewhere warm when it was 90 below outside.
* Erica - friend of mine from high school, who then went to college across town from me. Sometimes people call her “Mama”, and she hates it. Seriously, don’t try it - unless you are Sjet and you want a black eye.
* Townie - aka Andrew, aka Townie Town. My wedding date. The guy who supposedly rescued me once when I had heat stroke, and who definitely rescued me from many stupid situations in the last five years.
* The Rueb - aka The Reub’n’stein, which for a long time was Northfield’s only bar. We were actually the answer to the Trivial Pursuit question “Which American City has two colleges and only one bar?”
* Jenn - my ex-roomate, whose wedding is the whole reason that I’m in the midwest again to begin with.
i love you