dear leslie,

A series of observations from the insanity that was last weekend:

1. Holy crap, is The Foreigner a godawful movie. Trust me. If the person I watched it with hadn’t been incapacitated, I suspect things would have been thrown. Don’t watch it, no matter how drunk you are. I’m not kidding.

2. On a related note, please don’t fall off your bike and hurt yourself. It’s not a good idea. And if you DO, please allow the friend who is visiting you to help you do stuff. This friend probably likes helping. That’s what friends do.

3. It is possible to see a show and just not be able to talk about it afterward. Every time someone asked me “What did you think?”, I had no idea what to say. This is okay. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It may just mean that the play broke your brain. (Now, on the other hand, if you’d asked me “What did you think of <insert actor's name here>?” I would have been able to tell you a number of things. Mostly good.)

4. Haircuts are fun, especially when you relinquish all control of the end result to the diva with the shears.

5. For HSM - It’s raining men. Hallelujah! It’s raining men …

6. It’s nice to have a friend who will come with you when you need moral support, and who will invite you places when they know you have nothing else to do. These are the best kind of friends. (Thx, PWe.)

7. Seeing old friends is a good thing. It reminds you of where you come from.

8. Even after all these years, “Bike Poo” is still funny.

9. Healing comes from some really strange places. You can do anything you want to try to get yourself past something, but it can’t be rushed. One morning you just wake up and things are different. This is cause for celebration.

10. I’d forgotten how much I love directing. (Especially when there’s such a brilliant cast…)

11. Not to kick a dead horse, but here’s another review of just how fucking TERRIBLE The Foreigner was. (And here’s a picture of Mr. Tepid looking pained. That pretty much sums it up.)

12. Shopping for red dresses is fun, whether you like wearing dresses or not.

13. Randomly making out with pretty people at parties is also fun. At least, that’s the word on the street. I’m sure I wouldn’t know.

14. A quick piece of advice: let’s say you’re sitting at the end of a couch. You’re leaning on one person, and you have your legs in the laps of three other people. (Yes, yes, you have really long legs. Shut up and let me finish.) You can’t quite reach the table to set down your wine, but you need to move your butt (which is sliding into the crack of the sofa.) You think you can safely hold your wine glass between your teeth while you move your rear. You would be wrong. What will actually happen is this: the couch cushion you are sitting on will shift in a way you don’t expect. You will pitch backward, pouring wine straight into your sinuses and your eyes. You will drench your fellow couchmates, some of whom will giggle a great deal. Others will flee upstairs to put on the host’s nice dry shirts. You will wash the wine out of their clothes in the bathroom sink, using a bar of soap. Your eyes will burn, your nose will be on fire, and your hair will smell like grapes. OH - and your underwear will be stained purple. I don’t recommend it.

15. Sometimes your windows will get dirty, and you’re just going to have to suck it up and lick your Libya.

16. Certain suggestive headwear is best not worn while in a car at night. You distract the driver every time she checks her rear-view mirror, and put your co-car-riding-conspirators in danger.

17. If you ask (for extra cherries in your whiskey sour), you shall receive (six of them).

18. There is a certain glorious joy in being allowed to put goth makeup on friends who NEVER wear makeup. Other friends of said friend will come up to you later and call you a goddess because of it. Then maybe you and other friend will make out.

19. “Pitching a pup-tent” is also still funny.

20. Leaving Valentines for waitstaff is always a good idea. Not only does it make them feel better about the tip you left, but they are more likely to remember you later. It might even make them less sad about working on Valentine’s Day.

Answer please, immediately if not sooner.

Which is better?

a) You give off an air of always having your shit together. You are sleek and graceful and responsible and attractive and chic. (You may be inaccessible, but others make the effort, because they find that they want to get to know you. Those who actually know you well occasionally brag about it.) Every blue moon or so, you do something ridiculous by accident - but nobody remembers it because it doesn’t fit into how they see you. It’s just forgotten.

or

b) You are quirky and go-with-the-flow. You often have stupid shit happen to you, but you tend to laugh it off with ease. Many people harbor a fiercely devoted fondness for you, although you remain something of an enigma even to your closest friends. Others remember your crazy foibles, but they don’t think less of you for it - rather, they find it endearing. When you screw up, it’s generally funnier to you than it is to anyone else.

Why?