that darn silver lining

Brief momentary diatribe on the nature of “the silver lining” in the grey cloud:

My mother has been telling me this all my life. Look for the silver lining. Everything happens for the best. There’s a reason for all suffering. Yada yada yada.

It’s occurred to me recently that this is just an excuse to justify your entire life to yourself. You can’t ever say you made a bad choice, or you made a mistake, or that you should have done something else, because EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST, you see. You’re better off where you are. You’re better off having done what you’ve done, because it makes you the person you are today.

What if I’m not a very good person today? What if my life WOULD have been better? Let’s use this example, and forgive me if I’ve told this story already: My little brother got an ear infection on our way to my audition for the French Horn Studio at UWMadison. I had been practicing four hours a day for months - I was at the top of my game. I was SO good right at that moment in time, and I was more prepared for that audition than I’ve ever been for anything else in my life. However, because he was sick, we had to turn around and go home. By the time I got around to my rescheduled audition a couple of months later, I had spent all the in-between time rehearsing for two different plays, and I’d completely lost it. I showed up to that audition and couldn’t get out three notes at a time. It was embarassing, and I obviously didn’t get in. Now, my parents had only allowed me to apply to two schools - Madison (the school I wanted to go to) and St. Olaf (the school my parents wanted me to go to). As such, I only got in one place, and VOILA, my college experience.

Now, some might say that this happened for the best because now I’m doing something I love, and I wouldn’t have gotten into theatre if I had spent my whole college career playing French Horn as part of a pretty freaking prestigious studio. To a certain extent, I agree with that. My life is good. I am doing something I love, and something I am passionnate about - a passion I never would have discovered if I hadn’t gone to St. Olaf. However, I would have been a damn good horn player, and I would have been a damn good high school orchestra conductor when my time came. I would have had a completely different life than the one I had now … but who’s to say that it wouldn’t have been as good? Maybe it would have been better - not more fulfilling, certainly, but maybe less hard.

I am by NO means trying to say that I’m unhappy with where my life is gone, or that I’m dying under the weight of useless regret, or whatever - I’m just saying that sometimes, hiding behind the veil of “The Silver Lining” and “Everything happens for a reason” essentially means taking the easy way out, and not taking full responsibility for your actions. I refuse to say “Well, this is for the best, so I won’t worry about it”, because if if I DO worry about it, maybe it’ll teach me that next time I need to get off my ass if I really want to achieve something and reach my dreams. I’ll just give myself a good healthy dose of tough love … and maybe next time I’ll be able to say “There. That went exactly as I’d hoped.”

{Confidential to my nunchuck-toting high-kicking little brother - I hope you know that I don’t blame you for any of that, and I never did, no matter WHAT I may have insinuated to the contrary. I was angry, and it was stupid. You’re awesome. I miss you. Come visit me.}