Had my first moment of

Had my first moment of total panic last night. I’ve been really good about being optimistic and excited about this whole drastic-life-change thing, and for the most part it’s worked out okay. Last night, I stood in my kitchen and had this random flashback of one night a month or so ago, when Bill picked me up from work and randomly drove me to Kent to have a surprise dinner at “our” little Vietnamese place, where we used to eat when we first moved to Washington and were living in a hotel there. I proceeded to have a panic attack - complete with flashbacks of just about every wonderful thing Bill has ever done for me - and it was WAY more than I was prepared to handle. I guess I can only pretend that I don’t have emotions for so long before the truth gets rammed back down my throat. It was a really horrible couple of minutes, and I’m pretty certain it’s going to keep happening - for god knows how long.

On a somewhat happier (but equally mentally unstable) note, I’ve agreed to stage manage again. I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t ever do it again, but - for some reason, when I have so little control over my own life, the idea of being forced to control the lives of others was really appealing. Sort of “tough love” for myself. I’m doing it for my own good, and it’s going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you. Plus, the director is Aimee Bruneau, who is not only one of my favorite people, but also shares a lot of my insecurities and goals (artistically speaking). It’ll be a good distraction - AND a good experience. When I think of strong women - mentor figures whom I not only admire but genuinely like - Aimee is one of the first people that comes to mind. Plus, she’s already seen me at my best and worst, so I figure as far as that goes, I have nothing to lose. Plus, it’s a script I loved - I auditioned but didn’t get in, so it will also be a lesson in artistic sportsmanship. Stage Managing, as a concept, flies in the face of 99% of my fears and failings - and simply because it’s so difficult, I know it’s really good for me. Yay, growing experience. Yay, distraction. Yay, emotional growth by force if necessary. Yay, excuse to hang out with Gary Zinter. Yay.