heartfull
Big day.
Big Thing Number One: After 12 years of pretending to be tougher than my own body’s chemistry, I finally started taking anti-depressants. First, I believed my stoic-farm-family’s hype - that depression wasn’t real, that it was an excuse, that I was making a big deal out of nothing and needed to learn to keep a “stiff upper lip”. Then, I became convinced that taking meds would give me “Eddie Vedder Syndrome”, and the moment the Prozac touched my bloodstream I would begin to make insipid art. In any case, I have finally given in. For better or worse, this is pretty momentous.
Big Thing Number Two: Oh my god. This big thing is so big - and yet so small - and still so remarkable to me that I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I got to be sort of present for one of the most amazing things in the world. I will give more details as soon as I am allowed …
It’s a long, hard road. I know exactly what you mean about holding out on taking the drugs — I also held out for twelve years before “caving in” and starting on a variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I was afraid that it would ruin my art; looking back on my blog, I’d say that it didn’t. I also wasn’t sure it had much of an effect at times, but my wife sure seemed to think so. Did ultimately it help? Well, I’m still on them, though starting to scale back, and only now after two or more years of drugs am I finding true happiness — and that’s concomitant with my moving back to Chicago.
Who knows where the causality lies. Who even knows what the drugs really do, in the end. But it is a terrifying but momentous leap, one that shows that you’re really ready to try some new things to help make your life better, and for that I salute you.
Thanks for your kind words, all. As of yet I don’t know that anything is really much better, but it’s different, and that’s a start. All I know is that panic attacks are the fucking scariest thing, and just knowing that they are real and that I am not making them up helps immensely too.
I must simply say your layout is amazing and your writing style is quite awesome. damn i sound like a critic. bah. you sound awesome.
tell us, tell us! We are waiting with bated breath!