look around and wonder why you were always there for me

Unsettled. This is a word that I’d never really heard, and had definitely never used before a certain ex-boyfriend introduced me to it. Dictionary.com defines it like this, but I think there’s more to it. They don’t mention anything about the feeling of impending doom. They don’t mention that strange psychological itching, and the sensation that something had better happen quickly or everything will melt right before your eyes. And nowhere do they include the part where you overthink things and draw connections where logically, there are none.

Today, I’ve been thinking about Ernie. As I posted earlier, a certain friend of a friend has gone AWOL. He is, essentially, her Ernie - despite a few obvious differences in circumstance and temperament. I’ve been pondering what I would do if the situation were shifted. I’m wondering what the hell I would be able to do. I’m trying to figure out what I would be capable of.

Feeling unsettled makes you vitally aware of what you have. Why it’s good and important and necessary. Some of you might notice that I’ve been a little clingy the past few days. A little scattered, a little frantic. Maybe you’ve come home from work to find a new email from me in your inbox every day this week. I’m just trying to make as many tangible connections as possible with the people who make my existence feel grounded and well-rounded and memorable. The people who have invoked some sort of visceral reaction in me over the past few weeks. If you don’t feel like arguing over the semantics of whatever the emails I’ve been sending are about, don’t sweat it…. but please feel free to call me anyway. If I’m not in rehearsal or at work, I’ll probably be pretty fucking happy to hear your voice.

(Kudos to Yuki, who jumped on this train before I even knew it was boarding. You have this uncanny timing and I always find voicemails from you just when I need them most. Thank you.)