back in the saddle

In the past couple of months, I’ve asked a lot of the people I love the same question - How long does it take to feel single again? I heard everything from a month to a couple of months to - my favorite - half the length of the relationship you’re getting over. (No way in hell was I going to sit around in mourning for TWO YEARS. Wasn’t going to happen.) I have gotten some incredibly sage advice from a lot of people - but the end result of it was always the same. Just wait. It’s different for everyone, you’ll know when it happens, be patient. I didn’t want to be patient. I was tired of sitting around and waiting for it to just happen.

Of course, they were right. They said that one day it would just hit me, like a bolt of lightning - I would be free. And last week, that’s just how it happened. BANG and there I was, looking at the world anew through what felt like completely different eyes. It’s like when you’ve got a wound of some kind … despite yourself, you keep touching it to see if it still hurts. One morning you wake up and accidentally bump it on something - and miraculously, you feel no pain. That’s what this was like.

As a result of that … epiphany … I was put into a situation where I wasn’t entirely sure that I trusted (or understood) my own motives for what I was thinking and feeling and doing. In retrospect, of course, my intentions were good and my motives were pure, but the brief moments of self-doubt at the time were just enough to throw me off course. Let this be a lesson unto you, children. Carpe Diem. Quit doubting and start loving already. Jesus.

Along these same lines, I came up with a rather appropriate (I thought) metaphor regarding my life. I’ve said it once before, but it bears repeating. *ahem*

Life as Driving

I’ve only been driving for a couple of years. For a long time, I was totally paranoid of everyone on the road. I was convinced they were out to get me. I drove slowly to avoid pissing people off, and I was terrified that I was going to be in an accident. (I’ve lost two people who were very dear to me in car accidents, and I was convinced that it was only a matter of time until it was my turn.) I let people cut me off, I let EVERYONE in front of me, I was a driving doormat.

After awhile, I got sick of it. I gradually evolved to the point where I now drive more offensively than defensively. When I’m with other people, I’m a very safe driver. However, when I’m alone and I’m speeding down the highway with my windows down and my radio turned up, I stop caring so much about the rules. I’m the one who cuts people off. I get so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I cease to really pay attention to people around me. There’s something very joyous and very decadent and not a little bit reckless about it. The rules simply cease to exist.

My life - and my dealings with people - have followed a similar evolution. I’m just afraid that while I’m cruising along, singing along with the radio and sticking my hand out the window, I’m going to run over a squirrel who somehow got in the way of my joyride. And I don’t want any of my friends to be that squirrel.

So, there it is. Thank you for instinctively getting what I was trying to say, even when it wasn’t coming out correctly - and for understanding that my intentions were where they needed to be, even when I was doubting them.

It’s going to be a fun ride.