i don’t want to hear it | get rid of it soon
Had another one of those “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” moments last night. I was wandering around Target (where, for the record, I found those ever-elusive jeans that make my ass look so good) and I see someone who looks … sort of … familiar? We do that walking towards each other - staring at each other - turning around - walking backwards away from each other - thing, until finally she says “Hey, did you go to St. Olaf?” We realize that I’m wearing my St. Olaf tank top, we laugh, she says “Well, of course you went to St. Olaf. Um…” and we stare at each other, puzzled, trying to figure out why the hell we look so familiar.
She holds out her hand to shake mine and says “I’m Kari… Kari Lintner?” I shake hers and say “Alicia”… and am frantically racking my brain. We play that “Do you know so-and-so? How ‘bout what’s-her-name?” game for awhile, until I finally say “Jenn Boocks?” and her face lights up. Jackpot. My darling Jennifer Laurel Boocks - whose wedding to Jim Kroschel I will be in next summer - was probably the most conservative of my friends in college. Very studious, triple (?) major, paid for pretty much her whole damn college education herself. The most motivated, responsible person I’ve ever known - the rock to my balloon. Kari was sort of - at the other end of Jenn’s group, so I knew her only vicariously. She was dating a guy named Jeff (I think), who she married last summer. She fit the St. Olaf student stereotype far better than I did … long hair, conservative clothes, good work ethic, good grades, respectable friends. She and Jeff are living out the perfect Northwest Yuppie Dream Life… already married and settled in their early-mid-20s, with reasonably well-paying (and yet meaningful) jobs (she works at WashPirg). Self-Sufficient and Slick while still being All-American and Earnest and Honest and Respectable … she was buying one of those miniature barbecues for what I imagined to be her perfect house. That was just the icing on the cake.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Kari is and always has been a very nice person, and I’m happy for her. It just makes me wonder if it’s really worth it for me to be doing what I’m doing here. All the struggling and fighting and swimming against the tide, and what does it mean? Where does it really get me? At the moment, it’s kinda feeling like nowhere. I’m old enough to be an adult - or at least I should be - and yet my dreams and my aspirations and my future is still so nebulous. I’m sitting in limbo, waiting for something to happen to me. Sometimes I really wish I’d been one of the Karis of the world - maybe things would have been so much easier. Now, when I’m rehearsing or performing I feel very differently about all of this. When I’m actually working on a project, I feel like nobody in the world is living a more fulfilling life than I am. The only problem is - after a few months of downtime, my resolve starts to weaken, and suddenly I don’t know what the point is anymore. So, to lift my spirits, here’s another poll. Enjoy.
1. Why should anyone bother being an artist if it’s going to be so hard?
2. Tell me why I should not be jealous of Kari and Jeff.
3. What fulfills you in a career? In a hobby?
4. What’s the most important trait in a friend?
5. What do you do to renew your spirit when you start to feel defeated?
Oh, Mike. I’m feeling better about #2 already.
1-Hard is irrelevant. It’s not up to you to ever know if you are making your mark on the world. Do what feels good and righteous.
2- You can still stay out late on a weeknight and not go into a panic about mortgage payments.
3. That moment when you hit your stride and are in the groove kicking ass and taking names.
4. Putting up with us/ making fun of us.
5. Other than drugs and voodoo dolls? I spend time with friends and read and think about what I want to create next.
1. Who ever said life was going to be easy?
2. The grass is greener - how do you know she isn’t looking at you and wondering “why isn’t my life more like hers?”
3. a) people using software i write b) playing guitar live on stage for other people
4. honesty
5. To quote the Simpsons - “Alcohol: solution to, and cause of, all life’s problems”
1. Here is why I want to be an artist, make of it what you will: I want to be an artist because art has exploded and trickled and spilled out of me for my entire life, and to not take advantage of that by exploring what I can do with it would ultimately stifle me. Now granted I really want to be an art therapist and “just” do art on the side, so the hardness factor is somewhat ameliorated. But I still say, do what you love, and the rest will follow.
2. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be envious of their possessions (I want a nice house with a barbecue, hells yeah) and their lifestyle, as long as you acknowledge that a) you kick ass, b) just because they have this now and you do not says NOTHING about where your life is going - and for that matter where their life is going. Nothing is forever. I don’t mean that you should console yourself by thinking that they’ll get divorced, I mean that you shouldn’t look at this snapshot of them-as-happy-couple and you-as-single-person and think that it’s anything more than a snapshot.
3. Career? Ha. I have yet to enter this so-called “career”. My job is most fulfilling when I solve a difficult problem and impress my boss, who is, at heart, a jerk. My hobbies are most fulfilling when they unexpectedly blossom into opportunities.
4. Varies by friend, of course - but in an attempt to generalize as broadly as possible, I would say that a good friend is someone who enjoys you and who you enjoy, who is gladdened when you share your life with them and respectful when you withdraw. Blah. That sounds so generic.
5. Kick people in the shins. :) Um, seriously? Cut myself off from everyone and tell myself very firmly, repeatedly if necessary, that I am my own person and a good person at that, and can do whatever the hell I want with the next several hours. And then I do whatever the hell I want for a while. Usually it ends up being along the lines of wandering around my house wrapped in a throw and singing along to trance.
1: Because everything is hard. I bet being a perfect student was hard for whatsherface. being a receptionist is hard, but when you’re an artist, you get to go home at the end of the day and say “I tried to make something beautiful” instead of “I changed the toner in the fax machine again.”
2: Tell me why you’d be any happier living their life.
3: LIVE COWS! I think careers are fake. What fulfills me in a hobby? Near impossibility.
4: quite honestly? Propensity toward unabashed ass shaking. A lot ends up coming with that naturally.
5: Rollerskate up and down the sidewalk in second hand prom gowns while pretending to smoke cigarettes. Write declaritive statements on notebook paper and put them in my windows (I ravenously devour salad greens! Now go away!) See also: skinnydipping in the unfortunately disgusting waters of this region.
1. Art is the ultimate enrichment of humanity. Whereas most other professions strive to improve some mechanical aspect of life (getting from A to B faster, curing disease, creating wealth, etc.), the Artist creates the reason why all the other professions strive toward their goals, for it is the desire to enjoy art that separates humanity from other animals, and art is what ultimately defines us.
2. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. People are what make the difference in my career. Sure there are some days when it’s just like, “screw this crap, the only real reason I’m working is so I can make a bunch of money and enjoy my life outside of work,” but on the good days it’s the people that make working worthwhile. As far as hobbies go, I’d have to say it’s the personal feeling of accomplishment, and of course, the people I meet through my hobbies.
4. Forgiveness. re: slapping incident.
5. I fly.
Good god. It took me long enough to answer the _last_ quiz, and now you’ve lost _another_ submarine? I think I’ll have to come back to this one a little later. Sorry love!
1. As the great team of Sondheim & Lapine have so eloquently pointed out, what you leave behind in this world are children and art.
And let’s face it: you can define your art. children? Ha!
2. Two words: missionary position.
3. Creation. Accomplishment. Those little Elvis tchochkes you see pinned everywhere.
4. Adaptability.
5. I do something else. Not that I always succeed, because defeat is so easy.