Holy Crap. Look what I
Holy Crap. Look what I just found online….
What fortuitous timing.
Stop giving more than you get.
By Susan Davis for Lifetime
You’re the perfect girlfriend . or as close as one can get. You send flowers when he’s under the weather and love letters just because. You take him to the airport and pick him up . at rush hour. You whip up his favorite dishes and help him balance his checkbook. You forgive him his slights and sloppy habits . again and again. Now, he’s acting disinterested, distant, even dismissive. Is it something you did?
Well, maybe it’s something you overdid. “Women want to prove that they’re valuable,” says Deborah Burrell, a clinical social worker in New York City. “We’re always trying to show dim-witted men that they’ll be so much happier if they stay with us. Plus, we hope that if we’re nice, if we give a lot, we’ll get as much in return.”
It doesn’t always work that way. As Lifetime Online community member blkpanther admits: “I’m the type of person to give and give, and people walk over me even if they don’t mean to. I’ve learned the hard way that compromising myself into submission does nothing but ruin the relationship. So where do you draw the line? How much should you give before you say, ‘Enough already’?” To help level the love playing field, follow these do’s and don’ts:
* Don’t necessarily do as your mother did. “Our culture still expects women to be the givers,” says Larry Gard, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago. “And if you grew up around one-sided relationships, you may not even realize they should be two-sided.” How to tell whether you’re caught in the doormat trap? If, despite the fact that all your giving isn’t working, your impulse is to give some more.
* Don’t blame your guy . entirely. “If you’re a giver by nature, people around you get used to it and learn to expect it,” notes Lifetime community member Tink. Dr. Gard agrees, adding, “A man often won’t leave this kind of one-sided relationship. Instead, he’ll stay and exploit the situation.” Adds Burrell, “When women give a lot, men get lazy. If you say, ‘Hey, I’ll rent the video, pick up the groceries and cook the food,’ he starts to get really comfortable. In the end, though, he might not choose you because he never has to work at . and get invested in . the relationship.”
* Do ask . nicely . for what you want. If you battle over household chores (you do them; he watches TV), try encouraging a gradual transition to domestic equity. “Women often get fed up and say, ‘I’ve been doing everything, so now I’m not going to do anything,’” says Burrell. A better approach: Acknowledge what he does do. “Say something like, ‘I really appreciate it when you go food shopping,’ or ‘Thanks for emptying the garbage.’ Then ask him to do a little more. By asking for a bit at a time, you take back some power.”
* Don’t let resentment ruin your relationship. The danger in giving too much is that you expect an equal amount in return. “When that doesn’t happen, it’s easy to feel resentful, which makes having an openhearted connection difficult,” Burrell says. Ironically, the person on the receiving end of all that giving may wind up feeling resentful, too. It’s no fun always being the bad guy, or feeling obligated to give in return. “The sense of obligation and guilt,” says Gard, “may force him to walk away.”