even if I’m there

even if I’m there they’ll all imply that I might not last the day

So, Mass Murder is over. Bill, and Andrew and Tom (friends from college), and Nate (the great) came, and that was it. I don’t know how old I have to be before it stops hurting when people say they care about what I’m doing, but then they still don’t come. Maybe I’m just homesick for the days where I had a little group of friends who all came to everything that everyone else did. It was so nice to have that safety net, you know? That one night of the show where you knew that half the audience had come just to see YOU… and that was really cool. I shouldn’t expect to have that kind of support network in a place where I really don’t know people so well. I think I just miss being surrounded by friends who would kill for me. It’s so easy to feel totally adrift in a place where you have a lot of fun acquaintances but not any good, good ‘till-death-do-us-part friends. Except, of course, Bill. After he came to my show, he said that it was the best work I’ve ever done. That meant so much to me that maybe I don’t have the right to feel let down. Maybe he really is all I need.

More later when I’m not feeling so confused or sorry for myself.